Selling myself to femasculinity

 As a single male, I decided that a dating site might be the way to go to find woman who were deranged lonely enough to consider that a night out with me might be preferable to, say, having their pubes removed with sandpaper. These sites always need you to advertise yourself in an attractive yet not overly upfront way. This is my first attempt...

Listen, I don't want to write volumes of lies about myself to impress the girls, I just want to get to the women please. This signup is like trying to get sense out of a call centre. Press 3 if you would like to continue...

... Please hold. Your self-promotion is important to us ...


A lot of women out there seem to looking for Mr. Right. Past experience suggests that he's probably not me. A lot also seem to want a 'nice guy'. Now I'm definitely one of those, but experience also shows that we're at the back of any queue. I've got an idea that a lot of people are lying to themselves more than the outside world.

To sum up: I'd like a woman. Any shape, any size, who smokes enough not to nag me about it, and has an IQ between 110 and 130. It's a small list but set in stone. Anything else, like morbid vegetarianism or tantric crochet, line dancing or organic cycling is down to chemistry, and will be nothing more than a topic for discussion (and/or derision). I myself have a positvely nerdish knowledge of insects, but will inflict that on you as little as possible.

In return you get a bloke who cares, remembers your birthday, pretends to like your cat and can supply infinite succour and support, friendship and shelving. Any takers?

 Incidentally, should this post aquire a female readership, or indeed any readers at all, the above still applies.